The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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