took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You're a waste of cheezeits
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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