just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
