I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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