nut hugger
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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