There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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