I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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