I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
