Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
