It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
