I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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