i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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