if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My feet surprised me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
