The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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