According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
