Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
