not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
