God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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