I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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