it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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