I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
