I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
