Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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