So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
