i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
