Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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