I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I love you. Go after that dick
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
