when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize