Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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