my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
