My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
