I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
