So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she told me i tasted like america
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
