so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
