I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize