I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
