I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
