i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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