ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
