My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize