I met the friendliest cop last night
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
