if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
