The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
