I feel great
I just peed on a car
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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