did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
