I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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