If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
