His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
