i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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