Pants 0. Shit 1.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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