About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
And my parents said I crawled through the house
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