I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
