You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
