Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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