im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
